Ode to Home

A tree says: A kernel is hidden in me, a spark, a thought, I am life from eternal life. The attempt and the risk that the eternal mother took with me is unique, unique the form and veins of my skin, unique the smallest play of leaves in my branches and the smallest scar on my bark. I was made to form and reveal the eternal in my smallest special detail.

– Hermann Hesse, Wandering
I saw myself in this tree. Walking past, I remembered standing there a year ago. It felt as if time had stopped, and all I could see was the person I used to be.

I wonder when I first started doubting myself. How did it become so ingrained in me? When did I become accustomed to the opinions of others? For as long as I could remember, I longed for a home which would make me feel enough. As if I was incomplete from the moment I began to exist. What did it take for me to realise that I am whole despite being perceived otherwise?

For 20 years, I have always strived towards achieving ideals. An ideal version of myself, fit for an ideal world. Only to realise that such an ideal does not and should not exist. Why should we sacrifice the aspects of ourselves which define us, hoping to be the same as each other? Nature does not conform, it refuses to be moulded by the environment it struggles to survive in. However, we have somehow internalised an inherent, unwavering belief that success and happiness lies in conformity.

To conform means to look at yourself and stand against everything that you are. How can we accept such thinking, making it as commonplace as it is in society today? Choosing to overlook the manner in which you occupy space, is a disservice to yourself as well as the universe that you are born into. If fate handed choice everything it desired; the world would cease to exist, and so would you.

Embrace the differences which define us, as our presence is an extension of who we truly are. To be at home with yourself is to welcome every thought and emotion which passes by, greeting them as they leave once more. Home is an understanding that the guidance you once yearned for, has always stemmed from yourself.

When did you first realise that you were enough? What does home mean to you? How will you create such a place, if it does not already exist?

3 thoughts on “Ode to Home”

  1. i realised i was enough when i stopped judging what was ‘worthy’ by other people’s definitions, home to me is the body, and to make a house a home means to bridge the gap between your internal and external self, to give yourself permission to live authentically even if the world discourages it. i’m still currently on that bridge.

    a beautiful and thoughtful piece of writing as always🧡 i look forward to the next one

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Another brilliant piece Huma! You always bring great topics to the forefront, things that we often ignore when it is clearly demanding our attention.

    I’ve been feeling this way for a long time too, comparing myself to others who are at a different stage in their lives and on a completely different path. We don’t need to conform or change who we intrinsically are. As you so beautifully put, “Nature does not conform, it refuses to be moulded by the environment it struggles to survive in.”

    I’m trying to tell myself that I am enough by altering the way I respond to my mistakes – to forgive myself and treat each error as a lesson, a bump in the road that was not enough to make me tumble. I believe home is a space that belongs to me, free from the things and people that have hurt me. I haven’t found home yet, but I think part of it already resides within.

    Liked by 1 person

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